Even more useless trivia...

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that does not spoil? A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service" as: "The act of doing things for other people". Then I heard the terms Civil Service, Postal Service, Internal Revenue Service, etc....and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a bunch of his cows. It suddenly all came into perspective. And now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Ten Things You Should Never Say to A Woman During an Argument

10) Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
9) Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
8) You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
7) Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
6) You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
5) Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
4) Whoa, time out. Football is on.
3) Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
2) Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

And the number one thing never to say to a woman
1) Whoa now, who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances Love Bubba.

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn

The badness of a movie is directly proportional
to the number of helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average
drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire
universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use
as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and
is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

Your true friends love you, anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

GM and Microsoft

To all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Cat Rules

"Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run..."

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up,get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to thebathroom. It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engagedin some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind theleft heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin,between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) orworking on income taxes or Holiday cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper infront of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quicklyand as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at nightso s/he cannot move around

She was SOOOOOO Blonde...

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Email Addresses

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the
first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.

For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to
realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to
choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses.

Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University
of Pennsylvania)-dickinme@iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)
- aspicker@pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University
- ibballin@bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern
Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com


4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -
ihadcock@tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)
- cumminme@fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers
& Cabinets Inc.)- blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

.........but at No 1, it had to be...

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)
mailto:beeranbj@myplace.com

Different Words...

Anthropophagist - someone who eats people (I thought they were called cannibals?)
Armsaye - the armhole in clothing.
Bleb - a raised area on the skin.
Blepharospasm - The twitching (painful closure) of the eyelid due to discomfort
Boanthropy - a type of insanity in which a man thinks he is an ox.
Brandophile - one who collects cigar bands.
Capon - a castrated rooster. (but don't eat them... they don't even taste like chicken!!)
Chad - tiny bits of paper left over from hole punching data cards.
Chanking - spat-out food (rinds or pits).
Defenestration - the act of throwing someone or something out a window.
Dibble - to drink like a duck. (see also Dipsomaniac)
Diphallicterata - a disease in which a man has two penises. (A whole new meaning to
getting a little on the side)
Dipsomaniac - alcoholic
Eugeria - normal and happy old age.
Euneirophrenia - peace of mind after a pleasant dream.
Eyeservice - work done only while the boss is watching.
Feat - a dangling curl of hair
Flocinaucinihilipiliphication - the action of estimation is worthless.
Groak - to watch people eat hoping that they will offer you some of their food.
Gynotikolobomassophile - one who likes to nibble on a woman's earlobe.
Hebephrenic - a condition of adolescent silliness.
Hematochezia - Passage of bloody stools
Iatrogenic - illness or disease caused by doctors or by prescribed treatment.
Lapling - someone who enjoys resting in women's laps. (I'm guilty)
Librocubicularist - one who reads in bed.
Minimus - little finger or toe.
Napiform - having the shape of a turnip
Natatorium - a swimming pool, particularly indoors
Neanimorphic - looking younger than one's year.
Nihilist - someone who believes in nothing.
Notophile - one who collects bank notes.
Obdormition - numbness caused by pressure on a nerve (when a limb is "asleep").
Oniochalasia - buying as a means of mental relaxation.
Ophryon - space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
Parnel - a priest's stress.
Philotelist - a stamp collector.
Pilgarlic - a bald head that looks like a peeled garlic.
Polyorchid - a man who has at least three testicles.
Preantepenultimate - fourth from last.
Prestidigitator - a magician
Puricle - space between thumb and extended forefinger.
Rasceta - creases on the inside of the wrist.
Scatophagy - religious practice of eating excrement.
Scroop - rustle of silk.
Spermologer - one who collects trivia. (not what I would have guessed!)
Suppedaneim - foot support for crucifix victims.
Wether - a castrated sheep.
Zarf - a holder of a handless coffee cup.

Congress

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

IRS

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Top Reasons to be a Woman

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Doesn't Make Sense

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already here?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Nun in a Cab

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds: "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1: you have to be single and
#2: you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. In fact, she even slips him her tongue. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Lester, and I'm on my way to a Gay Pride march".

Useless Government Studies

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, The Boy Scouts of America decided to conduct their own study as part of their effort to seem more in tune with the free thinking of modern times.. The Boy Scouts didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of right around $75.00, the Boy Scout study reached a conclusion.

Thus they published the results of their findings that the reason the head on a young man's penis is larger than the shaft, is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead.

Even More Blonde Jokes

A blonde goes out to her mail box, looks in, closes the door and goes back
into her house.

A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mail box, looks in, closes
the door and goes back into her house.

She repeats this process several times before a neighbor who has been
witnessing this series of events says to her; "You must be expecting a
very important letter or package today."

The blonde answers; "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps telling
me that I have mail."


Blonde in a Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered
how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and
thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advise that if she got caught in a blizzard
she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not
get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the WalMart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Top 12 Things Uttered By Yoda When Making Love

12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
10. "Feel the force!"
9. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."
8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
7. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
5. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my> ass."
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

Tech Support Again

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)

T: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

C: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

T: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

T: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

T: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

T: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

T: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

T: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

T: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

T: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?

T: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

T: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

T: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: "Yes, it is."

T: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

T: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: "Okay, here it is."

T: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

C: "I can't reach."

T: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

T: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

T: "Dark?"

C: "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

T: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

T: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power failure."

T: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

T: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

T: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

T: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Gloves

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of not wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I
was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year ! All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur

Useless Trivia

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. You have to "bag" it.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times itsbody length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

After reading all these, all I can say is..."Damn Pigs"!!!

Work Stories

IDIOTS AT WORK
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabic?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Memory Quiz

How many of these do you remember?

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Tech Support

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

**********
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

*********
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

**********
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

**********
Customer in computer shop:
"Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

**********
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

**********
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

**********
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]

**********
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

**********
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:
the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.
Problem solved.

**********
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked
quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

**********
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

**********
And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.
**********
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers>connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

**********
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

**********
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately
got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

**********
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

**********
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

**********
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F 1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Actual Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
* Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
* Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
* David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
* Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
* Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack ass, and I'm just the one to do it."
* A congressional candidate in Texas

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
* John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
* Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
* Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
* Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
* Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
* George Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."
* George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves : How much clean air do we need?"
* Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
* Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
* Dan Quayle, US VP

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
* Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
* Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
* Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
* Dan Quayle

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
* Keppel Enderbery
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
* Dan Quayle >

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
* Dan Quayle >

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
* Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
* Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there a change in your circumstances."
* Department of Social Services, Greenville, North Carolina

"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
* Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
* Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Answering Machine Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back
to you as soon as we're finished.
____________________________________________________

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
_____________________________________________________

Hi. This is John. If you are the Phone Company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
________________________________________________

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom
explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?

Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
_____________________________________________________

"Hi. Now you say something."
_____________________________________________________

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
_____________________________________________________

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
_____________________________________________________

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
_____________________________________________________

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
_____________________________________________________

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
____________________________________________________

"This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
_____________________________________________________

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you."
_____________________________________________________

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your
phone until I call you back."
_____________________________________________________

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
_____________________________________________________

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually
losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
____________________________________________________

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.

However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
_____________________________________________________

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded
and will be used by us.

Complicated Life Story

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily,Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset
that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mister Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

IRS Deductions

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of
dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.]

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze, next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened
at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two as they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take
the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Bob
(Note: the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund!!)

Medical Journal Stories

The following are excerpts from various American medical journals,most of which are pretty sick. (But all are True.) Read only if confident of your own intestinal fortitude! I'm serious, some of these are GROSS!

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.




BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside,they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted
the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.

SEX EDUCATION
A California doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied "No. Who?"

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all.He had been trying to rip out the membrane off his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled in the emergency room complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied, "Grape."

BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.

CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix,when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a
funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed....along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had a rat in her vagina and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

California Bumper Stickers...

Save the trees... Wipe your butt with an owl.

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.

If you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)

If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a
"drop-dead gorgeous blonde")

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

A pat on the back is only a foot away from a kick in the ass.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

Remember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

Boldly going nowhere.

Cat: The other white meat.

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

Don't be sexist -- Broads hate that!

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

He's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

You Need A New Lawyer When...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!"
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

Top 8 Old Folk's Party Games

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee

Top 40 Things a Texan Would NEVER Say

40. There's no difference between Fords and Chevrolets.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anyone seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup. It's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too large?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes insted of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappucino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance Bobbie Jo is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee-Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Even MORE Trivia

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

Cats urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are ! registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows! and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan has more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years Longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (a males dream)

Starfish haven't got ! brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night. (will we ever sleep again)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world in Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathroom’s as necessary.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. (Last night, NPR said it was actually 8 credit cards for every man, woman and child in the US.)

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. (are we lucky or what)

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad Of situations

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don't know what you're problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.

New Words for the '90's

BEEPILEPSY: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

DANCING BALONEY: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless
and
serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE: Grim air-traffic-controller speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND: Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh…Dale, my...um...friend..."

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also DECRUITMENT.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Some More Trivia

The average human eats 8 spiders in his lifetime at night while sleeping.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. -- Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump"

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English alphabet.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.

The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and refers to a distinct part of DNA.

No president of the United States was an only child.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. -- These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

Things to do in an Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it
wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and
say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an
appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut
up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back
away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my
personal space!"

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES

THIS IS AN OPEN BOOK TEST. YOU WILL BE LIMITED TO ONE HOUR TO COMPLETE IT. YOU MAY CONSULT WITH OTHER TEAM MEMBERS, BUT NOT WITH OTHER STUDENTS. THE QUESTIONS VARY IN DIFFICULTY, SO DO NOT BE CONCERNED IF YOU ARE UNSURE ABOUT SOME OF YOUR ANSWERS, ATHLETES ARE NOT EXPECTED TO ACHIEVE A PERFECT SCORE. IF YOU NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM, YOU DO NOT NEED THE PERMISSION OF YOUR COACH.
===========================
YOU MAY NOW BEGIN.
===========================

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture,
literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)





8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________
Carter: _________________________
Clinton: ________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the
previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK
LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. If you have three apples and two oranges, how many apples do you have?

21. (True) or (False)-- Butt slapping between men is a higher level of communication than talking
with girls.

22. Christ was born? ____ B.C. or ____A.D.


23. You were born? _____ B.C. or _____A.D.

24. If you have three apples, two oranges, and a basket full of pears, How many apples do you have?


IF YOU HAVE FINISHED ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS, THE COACH WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS OK FOR YOU TO PUT THE PENCIL DOWN. AND IF YOU NEED TO GO TO THE RESTROOM, COACH SAYS THAT IT IS OK FOR YOU TO GO NOW.

DOCTORS' NOTES ON PATIENT'S CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES UNEDITED!)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain
in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on
fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape,
and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food
at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of
what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was ... hmmm. Not working according to plan....

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is
and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....