Answering Machine Messages
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back
to you as soon as we're finished.
____________________________________________________
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
_____________________________________________________
Hi. This is John. If you are the Phone Company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
________________________________________________
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom
explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
_____________________________________________________
"Hi. Now you say something."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
_____________________________________________________
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
_____________________________________________________
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
_____________________________________________________
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
_____________________________________________________
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
____________________________________________________
"This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your
phone until I call you back."
_____________________________________________________
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
_____________________________________________________
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually
losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
____________________________________________________
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
_____________________________________________________
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded
and will be used by us.
to you as soon as we're finished.
____________________________________________________
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
_____________________________________________________
Hi. This is John. If you are the Phone Company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
________________________________________________
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom
explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
_____________________________________________________
"Hi. Now you say something."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
_____________________________________________________
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
_____________________________________________________
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
_____________________________________________________
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
_____________________________________________________
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
____________________________________________________
"This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you."
_____________________________________________________
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your
phone until I call you back."
_____________________________________________________
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
_____________________________________________________
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually
losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
____________________________________________________
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your*
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
_____________________________________________________
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded
and will be used by us.
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