Some jokes from Andy Rooney (or at least his persona)
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs
up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space or underground)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests? Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs
up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space or underground)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
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